To my dear dog Sasha:
I love you dearly, but in the morning I love my sleep more. So would you kindly refrain from licking and scratching yourself silly? I think you're getting a little too much enjoyment out of it. And when you scratch so hard it sounds like someone pounding on the outside door who wants in. Not the best wake up call.
To the lady on my voicemail:
Next time you call and leave a message please remove the food from your mouth prior to dialing my number. I hit replay about 4 times trying to figure out your name. And for the sake of humanity, would you please slow it down?
To the 4 "boys" who live in this house:
I am a girl and I prefer to sit when I pee. I also like to clean up in the shower not the toilet. The lids are there for a reason - learn to use them!
To the old man in the left lane on the highway:
When you put your left turn signal on and merge right you not only look like a drunk moron perhaps you really are one.
To my lame excuse for a dishwasher:
When I push the button labeled heated dry I expect nothing less - please stop disappointing me or I will have to recruit hired help - the boys have to earn their keep somehow.
When you come to our house on Christmas Eve try not to trip over the extension cord that is stretched from the star of the tree to the outlet. This is no fault of my electrically advanced husband, but my inability to figure out a better way to get it to work. And don't be too mad if there are only cookie crumbs left for you. I have a dog who thinks she's a vacuum cleaner and a husband that likes to have a snack when the kids go to bed. Our stockings will be to the far right, but feel free to dump the coal straight in the fireplace. (But if you're a forgiving Santa please see the letter previous to yours for a great gift idea!)