From glue to paper cuts

Every year when I do my Christmas cards I tell myself that next year I am buying one of those self wetting envelope sealers instead of licking all 847 envelopes and risking paper cuts on my tongue.  

I mean come one, there are self-sticking stamps and self-sticking envelopes, why are Christmas card envelopes excluded from the self-sticking world?

If you're going to make me lick my envelopes at least make them taste like something other than glue.  I need some satisfaction from the calories I'm getting on each envelope I lick.  

It's seems unconventional, but did you know there are 3 - 5 calories when you lick an envelope?

I think there's a conspiracy going on.

It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George's fiance licked the cheap wedding invitation envelopes and died from the toxic glue.

Yuck!